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PASTA SHAPES Capellini This seems like one of the better reasons to keep your mind uninfected by the Italian language. If you speak Italian, suddenly waiters are encouraging you to try the little hairs. "The little hairs are very good tonight," they say. "You really can't go wrong with a plate full of little hairs." I know that there's always the English term "angel hair pasta," but that's different. I have no problem believing that angels are delicious. I'm sure you could run up and bite off an angel's thumb and it would taste like Krispy Kreme. B Agnolotti These are chubby little ravioli, and the name means "fat little lambs." Cute! That's a lovely little image, fat lambs frolicking in a field of cream sauce with a bunch of hideously overgrown scallops and occasionally being stabbed with the massive fork of a vengeful god. I also like to imagine ninjas fighting with throwing stars among the sheeps and scallops, but I don't think that has a culinary analog. Maybe capers. A Rugrats I am not so far removed from childhood that I have lost the joy of eating foods that resemble heavily marketed cartoon characters. Frankly I could have given one or more eyeteeth to be able to eat a Transformer-shaped cookie back in the day. But the problem with character-shaped dry pasta is that they're usually intricate little lacy numbers with all sorts of intersections, and those intersections don't cook all that well, so you end up with inconsistently cooked Chuckies. It's enough to make you want to ask the maketing folks to stick to unrecognizable cereal marshmallows and the odd fruit roll-up. D Tortellini I have heard from more than one source that tortellini were formed in homage to the navel of Venus. In response to which I must ask: "the hell?" Tortellini don't look like the navel of anyone, much less the goddess of beauty. The goddess of twisted little skin folds, maybe. And who the hell goes around sculpting the erogenous zones of major deities in pasta? If I had gone to this ancient tortellini-serving restaurant of yore, would I have been offered such dishes as tiny little Zeus nipples and a lovely bowl of the foreskins of Hades? That's not what I'm hungry for, ever. C- Spaghetti Spaghetti is pretty played out. We've all eaten lots of it, whether in delicious fresh format or evil squishy canned form. It's not that I don't like it, it's just that it's the default pasta, the italian cuisine equivalent of painting the walls of your condo white. Still, without it, childhood speech impediments would not be half so charming, and "On Top of Fusilli" is a crappy name for a song. C
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